Where does Spiderman watch porn?
On the web
My mate married a Czech girl who took 5 hours to Hoover the living room....
...Maybe she was a Slo Vac
Police believe murdered MI6 operative Gareth Williams may have been killed by a gay lover, as Williams was a Mince Spy.
I went to the butchers yesterday and he offered me 50 quid to reach these two pieces of meat on the top shelf!
I said no, the steaks are too high
BBC News: Trapped Chile miners get supplies
I didn’t realise collecting peppers was so dangerous, let alone underground
Wanna know how to make a duck into a soul singer?
Put it under the grill 'til it's Bill Withers
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
Here’s a great tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.
I see that Stephen Hawking is ill in the hospital.
Have they tried turning him off and then back on again?
Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then walked into a bar.
I began to realised my life was one big joke.
Apparently David Hasselhoff is changing his name to David Hoff, he can't be arsed with the Hassel anymore.
What's the difference between Yes and No..
Rohypnol
If Paul the Octopus had put a bet on all his predictions he'd have been squids in by now
I just bought some Sainsbury's sausages, and there's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork', can’t argue with that!
Did you hear about the nervous nurse who accidentally dropped a baby she was delivering?
She was having a mid-wife crisis.
I’m always polite and courteous when I build anything,
I’m a civil engineer.
Why do seagulls have wings?
So they can beat the gypsies to the tip.
How does Raoul Moat collect his thoughts?
With a squeegee.
I put a dart board on the ceiling yesterday but I don't like using it because it makes me throw up.
How can you tell a head nurse?.
She's the one with the sore knees!
I hung my England shirt out on the washing line last night, went to fetch it this morning and some bastard had nicked my pegs.
Is karate for amputees called partial arts?
What do you call the bloke that butchers sheep in a slaughterhouse?
The Laminator
After reading about the evils of drinking, I’ve decided to give up reading
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
A bloke in leather shorts and tight vest top came up to me, gave me his number and said, "You look like you could use some fun. Call me."
I'm going to call him tomorrow. Hopefully he'll take me to Alton Towers or something.
Why are there no casinos in China?
Cause the Chinese hate Tibet.
I saw a woman in the high street today selling novelty size mobile phones;
She had the biggest pair of Nokias I've ever seen.
Police have discovered a terrorist plot to put bombs in tins of alphabet soup,
if one goes off it could spell disaster.
My friend Sid has started calling himself S.
He's had to, someone stole his ID.
I met a girl with a pint on her head at the pub last night, her name was Beatrix.
I just got a fright from a chinese travel agent.
As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand, Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
I bought some Dorito swimming trunks today, I might go for a dip later.
Just found out my new toaster isn't waterproof, I was shocked.
A Brazilian sent off because the opposition claimed they got hit in the face
France in disarray after cheating their way into the tournament. Karma ?
I was put off religion at an early age, my dad said that it's not normal to talk to imaginary friends.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
I've just seen this Policeman dancing around the street, barking like a dog and exposing himself.
It's PC gone mad.
I was up in the attic recently, and found my granddad’s old wig weaving machine.
It's a family hair loom
How come when your Wife's pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations, but none of them rub your dick and say well done?
Before my mate died, his profession was a roofer.
I like to think he's still up there somewhere.
' Your Toyota is My Toyota ' - something tells me this advert was made by a Scouser.
Robert Green's agent has been quick to defend the player, saying that he still has a glittering future ahead of him.
In Scotland.
Hedgehogs; Why can't they just share the hedge?
I came home and found my mum slumped in her chair with needles in her arms.
She always falls asleep when she’s knitting.
How do you stop a French tank?
Say 'boo!'
I've started working for a bicycle wheel making company.
I'm the spokesman.
I just got a letter in the post offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half the normal price.
I ignored it, I hate chain mail.
I went to London on a stag do last week and had sex with a model.
I was then thrown out of Madame Tussauds.
I used to have a job in origami.
Until the company folded.
On a shit night out I got asked how I still manage to stay so upbeat and happy,
With E's, I replied.
Sex and the City, a dull, vacuous story about 3 women and their pet horse.
I once made a submarine out of polystyrene.
It didn't go down very well.
Just read a book on the psychology of camping,
It was in tents
I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.
Got caught sniffing Tippex the other day.
I've been admitted to a correction centre.
My singing coach is such a selfish bastard.
It's always bloody mi mi mi with him.
Apparently the word "Gypsy" isn't politically correct anymore,
they are now to be called Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn't enough.
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
With the most spectacular murders and suicide of recent times, I wonder if some tabloids half considered using the headline 'Bird's Dream Topping', but bottled it.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They wail and moan when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Give fat people a break, don't they have enough on there plates.
The disembodied limbs of a Bradford prostitute were found tied up in plastic bags.
Police believe it's the work of the Yorkshire Wrapper.
A mate of mine accused me of acting French yesterday.
I had to surrender the point.
How does a Welshman eat his cheese? Caerphilly
I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.
Jammy dodger.
I always wondered why there were so many confused looking fat people in the crowd at Kettering Football Club.
Then I realised their initials...
What do you call an actor who berates the bible?
Christian Slater
Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.
Apparently Ray Alan, the ventriloquist who died this week, was said to have committed suicide. The police found his body next to a bottle of pills and a gottle of geer.
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet.
He got lost at C.
I couldn't find the TV channel changer, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
They said she left me yesterday.
I went to a military barracks canteen recently,
It was a mess.
My doctor told me that I'd be lucky to reach 50.
That's the last time I give him a lift in my Robin Reliant.
People think being a hostage is hard.
I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
News headlines: 'geography teacher goes missing'.
Irony is a bitch.
I just got home to find my wife had polished off the whole bag of fresh prawns I bought.
That's shellfish.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Annoyed parent asks son, "How often do you lose bits of your Scalextric?"
"Don't know", he said. "I've lost track".
What do you have when a politician is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
One stops screwing you after you’re dead.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend France?
Don't know, never been tried
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
What do Gynaecologists and Pizza Delivery Men have in common?
They always get to sniff it, but never get to eat it.
A new sequel to The Exorcist is being filmed. In this version a woman hires the Devil to get a Priest out of her son.
What happens when you give a politician some Viagra?
He gets taller
Went to the zoo and the only animal there was a dog.
It was a Shi Tzu
What do a toy electric train and a woman's breasts have in common?
They’re both meant for children but you can’t keep the dads off them.
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the nerve to ask: "Are you still cleaning or just going flying somewhere?"
Hear about the man whose credit card was stolen but decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did?.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
My wife started horse riding to try and lose weight.
It worked. The horse lost 30lbs in thirty days.
I was the teacher's pet when I was at school.
She couldn't afford a dog.
My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to " I cant believe she’s not better "
I got lucky with this girl the other night at her place, and I couldn’t help but notice the quality of the sumptuous carpet we were on, it was quite a Shag.
Bono, avoid further back injury by not standing so close to The Edge when you're on stage.
My mother-in-law came in to work at lunch today and I must admit, I was genuinely pleased to see her.---I'm an undertaker.
When one man suffers from delusion its called Insanity,
When mass amounts of people suffer from delusion its called Religion.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
Shopping for OXO cubes, I saw beef, chicken, lamb, vegetable and Crystal Palace, so I asked the shop assistant "what’s the Palace one?" she said- "its new out, its the laughing stock"
I've got a new job working at a smoothie bar.
I'm blending in well.
I walked in to find the mother in law lying down...
... My wife wasn't best of pleased when I said "I think it's going to rain."
My mate told me he was once blind-folded and put into a gay porno.
He didn't know what came over him.
What do you get when you mix a Granny Smith with a Welshman ?
A Taffy Apple.
The sex last night was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens
who do not vote.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
I've just got hold of a lorry load of flat batteries.
They were free of charge.
What do Athletico Madrid and God have in common?
Neither of them are real.
I just watched the Greek riots on the news.
The whole place is in ruins.
I find it strange that Peter Crouch has been chosen to promote Pringles.
Is he really that popular or is it just because the picture of him fits so well on the tin?
Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France
They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Ever hear about the constipated accountant?
He tried to work it out with a pen., but he couldn't budget!
In a nutshell... there's a nut
I impulsively bought a cat despite my allergies,
I later realized that it was a rash decision.
I can sympathise for a lot of the priests who committed sexual offences.
Most of them started out as altar boys and got sucked into it.
John Higgins is innocent!
I'm convinced he's being framed!
What's the difference between a wife and a job.
A: After 5 years, the job still sucks.
I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.
I bought some French paving slabs for my garden today,
or white flags as they’re better known.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it.
Baggy trousers, dirty shirt
Pulling hair and eating dirt
Teacher needs the mob to quell
Back of the 'ead with a metal dumbbell
So Greece are in financial meltdown and need to be bailed out. I blame Shane Richie., he was a crap Danny Zuko.
For her birthday Paul Mcartney bought his ex,
Heather Mcartney a plane, but she'll still have to use a razor on the other leg!
I had a great birthday today, but the cake gave me heartburn, next time I’ll take off the candles!!
When I was a child this priest told me I was the cutest looking boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...Sauce Unknown.
I challenged my friend to a game of wii sports.
He pissed all over me.
A Central European trampolining team have gone bankrupt. They were bouncing Czechs.
I tried to cover the kitchen floor using a minimal number of slates... but it was a futile effort
I got a new job installing mirrors.
It was something I could always see myself doing
Tired people?
Vote UKIP.
Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed? He thought she was a little potty.
Why did the paedophile cross the road?
To get to church and tend his congregation.
The best way to make an apple crumble is to torture it for 10 minutes.
I called my local builder round for a quote on my kitchen, certainly he said:-
"The kitchen is a country in which there are always discoveries to be made" -
Grimod de la Reyniere, 1758-1838
My granddad was killed by a steam train, he was chuffed to bits.
Bus company Arriva have been taken over by a German bus company.
There was no announcement - the drivers just came in to work and found towels on their seats.
I've just seen a huge Egyptian woman sticking her arse out the window of a car.
It was a two-ton car moon.
My girlfriend asked me what DVD’s I’d like to watch with her. I told her to get lost.
Turns out Lost is some TV series!
I went to a land auction today and just at the crucial bidding moment my phone rang, by the time I had hung up the auction had finished.
I lost the plot.
I was playing poker the other night, and I ran out of cash, so I slapped some meat on the table.
I was raising the steaks.
I got some of those new world cup walkers crisps today, and they were actually really nice.
Especially the Korean ones, they're the dogs bollocks
Long distance relationships are like fat people...
They very rarely work out.
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it can cure dead salmon?
What do dentist's call x-rays?
Tooth pics
I've just swallowed some flour, speed and viagra.
I'm coming thick and fast
I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult but it was quite easy in the end.
It's not rocket science.
I had a dream last night that i was with the grim reaper cutting carrots into small chunks...
..i was dicing with death
Just went outside and got hit on the head with a lasagne and a black forest gateaux. Must be the fallout from iceland.
Politicians are like nappies. They need changing regularly. And for the same reason.
I went for a date on ecstasy last night.
It's far better than speed dating.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
How come you never see the headline:- "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I've spent all day searching for a U2 CD...
...but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
I was walking along the street when a police officer approached me and asked:- "Where were you between 5 and 11?" :- "at primary school" I replied
How does a Chinese bloke make a beer recipe?
With a brewprint.
What do you call a Frenchman who has been knighted?
Sir Ender
John Prescott - A man who can light up a room...
...by moving away from the window.
A man came up to me and said, "Knock knock .."
I said, "You must be joking".
Get your money on the Irish horse ‘Priests Leap’ at 240-1 in the Grand National, it’s bound to come from behind to take it.
I went to a pub quiz with a couple of mates, in Moss Side. First question was ''What the fuck are you looking at?''
A tip for the Grand National:
There's a 50/1 outsider called Creosote.
It's good over fences.
What happens when you mix up your Viagra and laxatives?
It makes you crap in bed.
What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system!
I gave my ex girlfriend crabs, I think that was the reason she left me, giving her such ridiculous birthday presents.
I pretended to be an African tribal doctor for a day.
Shaman me.
I'm sick and tired of people saying that Americans are all fat and unhealthy.
They're just mall nourished.
A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62.
Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on
I wish I was the environment
At least that's getting fucked.
If I have one vice it's to be screwed against the side of a bench
Just heard NASA are sending 4 women into space today.
They're just trying to prove that no space is big enough for a woman to park in.
Woke up this morning to a load of bloody bills on the doormat.
Those ducknappers mean business.
What do you call a former French president who drives a taxi?
Francois Meter-on.
What do police earn at night?
Cu (NO3)2
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
People in glass cake shops.
Shouldn't throw scones
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I wrote a book on penguins, on reflection, paper would have been better.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Volvo?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells:
"Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"
I met a smelly goose the other day. It honked.
I rolled up a stiff carpet and smoked it. I'm on the hard rugs
Who is the coolest guy in a hospital ? – The ultra sound guy
Ah...The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate
Did you hear about the two gays in a phone box?
They were ringing each other
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, it was a turtle disaster.
I ordered a chair for my mother in law but I had to send it back.
There was nowhere to plug it in.
Just drove past Selhurst Park and saw two tickets nailed to a fence, I thought to myself "I'll 'ave them!". Can never have enough nails.
Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman. I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop."
My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning.
I refused.
Had a Tug at work today,
I'm a Harbour Master.
Just found a new position in the Kama Sutra called " The Plumber",
you both get to stay in all day but no one cums...!
I brought back a large stone from Ireland as a souvenir but it's turned out to be something else. It's a sham rock.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear...
After the success of the Harry Potter series, Bloomsbury have commissioned a new book. It's quite similar to Harry Potter, full of fantastic character, magic and 100% fiction, it's called The Bible.
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
My girlfriend joined a gym the other day but she quit after the 1st session because women wouldn't stop coming on to her. Turns out it wasn't a gym it was a lezza centre.
Just seen on the side of a van "Robert and Robert Painters and Decorators" Sounds like a two bob outfit to me.
'Pope knocked out in 1st round of the Vatican chess comp'. Apparently he doesn't know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen
Porn makes my calves tense up and my toes pointy, being really short makes the top shelves hard to reach.
Did you hear about the wooden Japanese athlete? He was a splinter.
When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my Grandfather....... Not screaming like his passengers.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Apparently, before his death, Bernard Manning was going to team up with Robbie Williams and form a boy band called F**k That
I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He'll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
I bought a clock that runs on batteries. When I got it home I realized they'd given me the wrong one. I think it was a wind up.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Politicians can be ok, as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, like working for a living.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry, apparently it was the serious Burns unit
I'm addicted to placebo's, I'd give them up but it wouldn't make any difference!!
Jigsaw murderer falls to pieces at trial and gets sentenced to 4 years and over
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy
My 90 year old grandmother has finally lost her marbles. So now she insists on playing dominoes all bleeding day.
The Premature Ejaculation Society are holding their annual dinner dance next Friday, dress code:- come in your pants
Inside every Russian lady... There's another Russian lady.
I absolutely hate being schizophrenic. Best thing in the world.
I have a great book about the Velvet Underground in my bathroom. Well, everyone needs a loo read.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me.
My girlfriend and I like to dress up as Adrian Balboa and Apollo Creed, I think we're going through a Rocky patch.
I'm going on a blind date tonight. I hope our dogs get on.
I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral - All together now "Don't stop bereaving!"
I couldn't find the oxo cubes anywhere in our local shop today. They must have been out of stock.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant
The nice part about living in a small town is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
I've just been on Dragon's Den with my automatic blow job machine. Didn't go down very well.
2 nuns cycling down a cobbled street...
One says to the other, "I've never come this way before"..
The other replies.. "Must be the cobbles".
BOOKSHOP OWNERS. To annoy Christians, place the bible in the fiction section of your shop. Which is where it belongs anyway.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dont forget today is about that amazing kind man who helps strangers, died and was reborn... HAPPY DOCTOR WHO DAY EVERYONE!!!
A man walked into a urine sample centre yesterday and stole 5 bottles of urine, but then returned the empty bottles. He was just taking the piss.
What do you call kids with lisps born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts
We welcome our new sponsor: Dickens Cider "My wife loves it. Nothing warms her up on a cold day like a nice hot Dickens Cider."
You know what really floats my boat? Buoyancy.
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna.
I hear that a scottish epileptic is expecting a wii fit for Christmas.
Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."
I was at a fancy dress party last night and saw a bloke dressed as James Bond, with a sheep under his arm and mashed potato on his head. He was a shepherd spy.
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Katie Price One of the few people in the world who can use their personality as a contraceptive.
Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
P Diddy to buy Crystal Palace FC ? He must have misread the advert ? Probably thinks he's buying a huge pile of rap ?
I ate a broken record for lunch. Now it's repeating on me.
What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia?:- Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny. It was a cheap shot.
I've tried and tried but I just can't persuade Keith Chegwin to come out on the lash with me. Oh well. I guess cheggers can't be boozers.
I always go to work wearing baggy trousers in honour of my favourite band. My wife thinks it's Madness.
I was dancing with this woman but she had no sense of direction and kept bumping into everybody. Bloody women jivers.
I was driving down the road when I ran over some humus. A little further on, I hit taramasalata. Then I saw a road sign: 'Caution - dips in road’
100 bottles of antibacterial hand gel stuck in customs, they want £150 to release them. The owner's washed his hands of the matter.
I have just spotted a cheating French footballer playing on my games console,it was Thierry on Wii.
Did you hear about the Chinese man murdered in the storage cupboard?
He was taken by supplies
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